Chapter 660 - Countless Joyful Dawns XIV

1234 Years after Elaine became a professor at the School of Sorcery and Spellcraft

I wondered how Iona talked me into this as another group of [Adventurers] came in through the door. I didn’t recognize them, not that it said much. Lots were transient, lots of shiny new [Adventurers] came in
 and few returned.

I’d been around long enough that it just made me sad. They were doing the best they could, trying to find themselves and make a life. We tried to steer who we could to the guards, and it was a joy when one of them came back to the tavern wearing the uniform.

I pretended the ones who didn’t were simply too busy with their new job
 and carved their names into stone either way.

‘Let’s open a bar’ She said. ‘I want to be a bard’ she said. ‘We can charge adventurers triple. Then set up across from the local guild.’ she said.

The idea of trolling the heck out of [Adventurers] appealed to me
 until I actually had to deal with them on a day to day basis. Also, somehow, the glasses were never clean.

“Hey! Barkeep! A round for us please!” One of the new [Adventurers] shouted over to me. “And send over the hot barmaid!”

There was a round of raucous laughter at that, and I poured out a set of five beers for the thirsty men and women. They were new, so they probably had heard the rumors but didn’t know the truth of The Thirsty Wyvern’s infamous [Barmaid]. It had become something of a hazing ritual for the newbies.

Auri promptly came out of the kitchen to perform. She manipulated her flames, looking like a fiery clone of me, grabbed the beers, and sauntered off to the table. The secondhand embarrassment of having a second me wandering around had long since faded away, and the looks on their face as they discovered the true nature of our ‘hot barmaid’ was priceless. One of the older [Adventurers] clasped one of the newbies on the shoulder.

“She’s a fine bird, isn’t she?” He said. The newbie groaned at the pun, but accepted his beer.

“Well played.” A second one groaned. Auri collected the money, then put one hand on her hips and pouted at the [Adventurers]. Nobody here spoke brrrpt, but Auri was having fun ‘talking’ purely in body language.

After another round of hazing by the older [Adventurers], they paid Auri a small tip. She started to walk away, and one of the idiots tried to cop a feel. 

On pure fire.

“Ahhhhhh!” He screamed, holding up his charred hand. Auri rolled her eyes and kept walking while the tavern exploded in shouting - mostly of the ‘you fucking idiot why would you stick your hand in fire’ variety. 

I flicked a heal his way a moment later, and put my best hazing face on.

“Special on pork today! Buy three, get the fourth one free!”

The looks of pure disgust sent my way - absolutely priceless.

Then there was that one girl. She slid up to the counter with a shit-eating grin of her own, dressed like how every storybook teller imagined a [Rogue]. Not nearly enough tight leather yet enough knives to outfit a platoon. Part of me wondered how on Pallos that would work, the rest of me marveled at the System allowing for anything and everything.

“Can I get a double of the special?” She asked. I cursed to myself - midday supply runs were terrible for business, but my bluff had been called.

And hey, she was an [Adventurer]. We charged them triple.

==================

Iona was both the best thing and the worst thing to happen to the inn. She took the stage as the dinner crowd shuffled in, the place packed by her performance. My wife shot me a cheeky wink before she started to play on the stage, strumming a lute with energy and dexterity.

I was quickly overwhelmed with orders, pouring beer and collecting coins as quickly as I could, while Iona captured the hearts and minds of the crowd. The sheer number of men - and not a few women - sighing after my wife made my eyes roll. Hopefully all the clothes would stay on today.

But her beaming smile was genuine, and it warmed my heart.

================

1746 Years after Elaine became a professor at the School of Sorcery and Spellcraft

I spotted Caballa a few minutes before she knocked on our door. Our little mountain retreat, reclaimed time and time again after Immortal Wars knocked the place over, had become quite crowded this time around. The thriving city of Urtus was closing in on 80,000 people strong, and it was bittersweet to see how the name had corrupted and changed over the years, while still retaining its roots.

“Caballa’s back.” I rolled my eyes at Iona, and set the kettle boiling. We were going to need a strong cup of tea after dealing with the neighborhood [Busybody].

“Brrrrpt.” Auri despaired, before perking up. “Brrpt!”

She’d left the oven on. The stone-cold oven deep in [Manor]. My little friend abandoned us to our fate, and fled to start a new baking project. Edible hats were all the rage, and Auri had a dozen designs inscribed on tablets floating around her. 

Why anyone would take the [Busybody] class, knowing how it was displayed, and being proud of it boggled my mind. I wasn’t quite sure if she had an endless well of courage to continue complaining to us, sheer obliviousness, or if some form of internal outrage kept her fueled.

“We’ve outlived other obnoxious neighbors, we’ll outlive this one.” Iona serenely replied.

I almost choked on nothing. Iona never wished ill on people. Her eyes hardened.

“She’s a bigot, and if she said to our faces what she says in her home, Selene would probably insist I smite her.”

I made no comments about Iona’s hearing, because I’m pretty sure if I had her listen a little more closely, I’d be down one annoying neighbor and a few [Oath] levels.

Caballa knocked on our door. Iona and I locked eyes, and rapidly flashed through six rounds of rock-paper-scissors before she won.

“No fair.” I huffed as I got up. “Using your stats like that.”

“All’s fair in love and war.” Iona said.

I opened the door to Caballa’s smug, toad-like face.

“Can we help you?” I asked the spinster. She thrust a pile of papers into my hand. I reluctantly took them.

I was fairly certain there was a god of smug somewhere in the pantheon, and she had to be one of his adherents.

“Elaine.” For as long as we’d known the plague of a woman, she made it clear that she didn’t believe it was actually my name, and somehow worked the doubt in every time she said it. Honestly, if she wasn’t our obnoxious problem I’d almost admire how she’d elevated it to an artform. I was going to skip putting her name on my wall, and possibly dance on her grave. Her every word was sickly sweet, even Auri wouldn’t use that much sugar in frosting. “I’m simply delighted to let you know that you’ve been accepted into the neighborhood association. Here’s the welcome package. The annual dues are 511 arcs a year, payable to the treasurer. The rules are here. I’m so happy to see you become upstanding members of the community!”

She left without another word, and I wandered back over to Iona. She’d already poured us big cups of tea, required for dealing with any Caballa-related fallout.

“Did you sign us up for the neighborhood association?” I asked my wife. I knew she’d heard every word. Iona shook her head.

“Nope.”

My face twisted in disgust as I looked over the ‘rules’ package.

“Approved house paints only
 types of curtains allowed
 no clotheslines? Only one type of fence? No children’s toys outside? Is she off her rocker?” I asked.

“You’re joking.” Iona snatched the papers from me, her eyes blurring as she skimmed over it all. “You’re not joking.” She said with horror. I shrugged.

“Circular filing bin?” I proposed. She shuddered.

“By Lunaris, no. AURI!” She shouted. “Got a job for you!”

“Brrrpt?” Auri’s wings hummed loudly as she dashed over. Iona gestured to the papers.

“Brrpt!”

“Well, that should be the end of that.”

=============

That was not the end of things. Caballa was back next week, nailing a list of ‘violations’ to our door. Including ‘having a nail on the door’. Which was one she put there.

“What are you doing?” A furious Iona opened the door. Caballa’s voice had the same saccharine quality.

“I’m simply notifying you of a few teensy little issues I’ve noticed! I’m sure you’ll have them fixed up in no time at all.”

Iona tore the papers off the door and shredded them.

“Next time,” She hissed at the grey haired lady. “Use the mailbox.”

And with that, she slammed the door shut.

“You know
” I said thoughtfully. “It wouldn’t be an [Oath] violation if Auri burned down her house.”

“Brrrpt!?” 

“It would be a [Vow] violation to let it happen.” Iona grumpily sat down in her own padded chair. “I’m sorely tempted though.”

“Also a violation if I suggest you take a nice vacation somewhere, yeah?” I said. Iona pouted. Pouted!

“Can’t turn a blind eye either.” She complained. I patted her on the back.

“Well, why don’t we have a nice sparring session in the front yard next time she comes around, scare her senseless. I can’t imagine anyone else is particularly enthused with her ideas.” I said.

Iona grinned.

“Everyone here seems to think we’re lazy housecats. Let’s remind them that we’re tigers.”

Watching Caballa go all pale and shaky the next time she’d come to harass us was great. Less great was the pair of [Guards] who came to visit.

“Heard there was something of a domestic disturbance here?” One of them asked. Naturally, they’d been invited in, fed tea, and we had heaped cookies on them. Only the best for Orthus’s - uh, Urtus’s - finest. I was impressed with the pair - they’d seen our true, unredacted levels, swallowed nervously, and got on with it. 

That was why I liked guards so much more than adventurers.

We rolled our eyes in unison.

“Annoying neighbor poked her nose in while the two of us were sparring.” Iona explained. One of the guards politely coughed.

“A [Healer], sparring?” He asked somewhat incredulously. I grabbed my old guard equipment set from - by Ciriel, almost 2,000 years ago, it was literally an antique at this point - and laid it out on the table. I winced a bit.

“Sorry, it’s a little old, but I used to work as a [Guard] myself. Different city, different era. My tag’s more deceptive than you’d think.” I explained. “Plus
 how do you THINK a [Healer] reaches the level I’ve got? It wasn’t by sitting at home healing scraped knees.”

More eyebrows went up, we both had to have long, private conversations with the [Guards], but they finally left satisfied.

===========

We came back home after a six month vacation to the Phoenix Peaks to a stack of notices on the door. I tore the top one off in pure outrage.

“Seizure notification!?”

“BRRPT!?”

“Is it picking on the meek when they keep poking you with a stick first?” Iona mused out loud. A quick check of the dates showed a damning timeline.

“Caballa literally filed this the day we left on vacation.” I fumed. It wasn’t about the house, it was about the principle of the thing.

“Which country should we drop her off in, and do we give her the courtesy of being dropped off in civilization?” Iona mused out loud.

“Yes, so she can get a taste of her own medicine.” I idly replied as I flipped through the rest of the notices. “Right then. I’m off to horribly abuse my power. Auri, you can’t burn her house down until she’s been arrested. It’s not an issue if she’s permanently left the place, right?” I asked Iona. She held her hands up in surrender.

“Whoa, I’m already proposing my own extrajudicial punishments here.” She said. “However
 if she’s already arrested, wouldn’t it be nicer to leave the home available for a new family?”

“Brrpt.”

Iona graciously conceded the point.

“I do think it’d be a neighborhood service to dance on her ashes, yes. Alright, I’m for it. Elaine, sounds like you’ve got a plan here. What do you need me to do?”

“Stand here looking intimidating?” I proposed. “Although, I wouldn’t say no if you manage to bait her into getting smited. Fair warning, I haven’t bothered getting barred here in this era, no idea what the laws are.”

Divine retribution for [Paladins] and the legal system always had an iffy relationship. Couldn’t let anyone get away with murder under the claim that it was divine judgment
 but trying to restrain a [Paladin] genuinely on a mission from their god or goddess was a bad idea. Trying to prosecute them after the fact was an equally poor idea, although ‘the entire prosecution was smote after ignoring divine warnings’ was usually where most nations threw up their hands and said ‘alright, this was for real.’

That, and gods took a dim view of trying to use them as a shield.

Iona shrugged. 

“I’ll be happy to submit to whatever punishment is devised that Selene and Lunaris acquiesce to.”

I tore the stack of notices off the door and flashed down to Orthus - uhh, Urtus - proper, restraining myself to only mach 4. I found the local Ranger team doing drills, my heart panging at a set of strong features that had been passed down through countless generations. The Rangers stopped their drill and eyed me warily.

“Nix!” I waved to the Ranger in question. The eight of them - some things never changed - traded looks with some confusion. I pointed to the man in question.

“Wait, you’re not Nix?” I asked. He rubbed his head awkwardly.

“Begging your pardon ma’am, but no. Name’s Nicholus.”

I clicked my tongue. Blink and their entire clan name changes.

“Well, I knew a number of your ancestors
 probably
 hey!” I recognized the knife the team leader was carrying, and pointed to it. “I know that knife! I helped kill that monster, and if you know what I mean, don’t say anything.” I grinned at the poor man, who suddenly needed to take a seat. “Is that all that’s left?”

He weakly nodded. I clicked my tongue. Again.

“Dang. Started with an entire body, but - no, okay, getting distracted here.”

The poor Ranger team was holding it together admirably, but I was a little more ‘crazy rambling Immortal’ than I would’ve liked. I was getting a strong ‘don’t provoke her and everyone will be okay’ vibe going between them, annnnd yup there were the hand signals.

“Oh hey, I don’t recognize that one
 I need a crash course to catch up
”

The team leader coughed, signaling a later to everyone.

I signaled talk when I’m not around, mostly to see the look on their faces.

Ahhh
 priceless. I should fuck with Ranger teams more often. Maybe haze a new Sentinel or two.

“Ma’am, is there something we can do for you?” He asked.

“Oh! Right! Hi! I’m Sentinel Dawn!” I flicked over my quadrant of badges to the leader. They’d been updated a few times, I wasn’t sure which one he’d recognize. “I’m as ‘retired’ as any Sentinel gets, but I’m having a spot of bother in my neighborhood. Neighborhood dispute spilling over into outright fraud. My familiar wants to burn the place to the ground, and I’m working quite hard on making sure the arson is both legal, and there’s nobody in the house when it happens. Mind popping over for a look-see?”

Nicholus looked up at the sky with a familiar look of despair. I grinned impishly at them.

“Hey, think of all the levels you’ll get!”

“We are not paid nearly enough for this.” One of the Rangers muttered.

“Nope, you aren’t.” I agreed with far too much cheer. “Now chop chop, we’ve been living there since the place was wilderness some 2,000 years ago, and I’m not having some [Busybody] throwing us out.”

It took a week for Caballa to be arrested for a staggering number of crimes, only one of which Fenrir framed her for. The community barbeque in the embers of her house lasted for three weeks, and only got broken up when the Rangers came back with Night in tow. After he joined in.

It was a good time.